He is Not Blind: Story of a Jungle Girl

The first thing I can remember is when I was 7 years old. I had a big family; there were twenty-one of us that shared a small hut. At seven, I still hadn’t gone to school. My brothers and I would make fires outside the house and I can recall us all dancing and singing around it in a circle. My Aunt and Uncle would bang on pots and pans as we danced joyfully. That was a happy time. We were all not far apart in years because my father had married and had kids at 16. We were very poor I can remember every year about October to December sometimes we didn’t have rice to eat. Every meal I remember dipping my spoon about three times, and that was all. But that was normal, and my first memories were still happy.

My grandparents loved me dearly when I was a baby. They didn’t think my mom could have a girl because when she had been pregnant with a girl before, the girl had passed away. Up to this point she was only able to have boys. I was the first girl. They told me I was the cutest child, with shiny black curls and big eyes.

Later when my mom got pregnant with her fourth child, it was another girl. I was eight and starting my first year of primary school. Things had changed that year. She decided to give me away to my grandpa in the city, because she didn’t think she could take care of me. When I came to the city I would cry myself to sleep every night. But my parents forgot about me quickly, they moved on to survive.  They said they forgot about me because they had too many children.

My grandparents saw that I was so sad everyday; they didn’t know what to do so they sent me back to my parents. When I came back my parents were disappointed, they thought I was a bad child, unable to live with other people. They ignored me.

I think when you try to forget something it is hard when that thing returns. I was that thing. It was too painful for them to accept me back, I think, although they never spoke of it. But they never cared for me again. Never bought me food or clothes. Usually when a girl grows they try to buy jewelry or traditional clothing, they would buy for all my siblings, but not for me.

The joy I had remembered feeling in my home village was gone. Everything was worse. Our grandparents argued every night, there were too many people in the home, nobody was happy. My grandpa was too old to go looking for food, and my father drank while playing around with other women. He never was home or cared for us. He would hit my mom, then my mom would hit me. She blamed me for all her troubles. She used to say I was destroying her. I don’t know why she would only say to me. My dad kept trying to give me away again.

She would tell me to go to the forest and look for food, to figure out a way to get money for the family. She said you are not my daughter you are a dog’s daughter, you come from a ghost. You bring bad luck. These things became common to me. I began to believe them too. I was ten at this time.

My culture you don’t say “I love you” you just do. You just sacrifice. So I wanted to do my best to make my mom feel better and love me. I did everything she wanted me to do. Maybe she wouldn’t hate me anymore.

My mom would get sick a lot, I worked hard everyday so I could buy medicine, and send my brothers and sisters to school. So in the evening I would look for food in the jungle. Then I would wake up at 3:30 or 4:00 a.m. to sell what I had found. I would rush home at 7:00 a.m. to cook food for everyone then go to school. My school was very far; I walked for an hour and a half four times a day. This was my life.  

I became very clever at earning money, but I never bought anything for myself. Especially not clothes. When my aunts clothes tore or got too old, I used to take pieces of her ripped clothes and sew what I could find together. I always looked messy. But I was resourceful and could patch up clothes nicely.

When I was thirteen they gave me away again, but I always came back. They always said I was a bad girl. They said other people didn’t like me and that’s why I always ran back to them.

My dad never had a real relationship with me. If I walked on the road, he would walk opposite and pretend I was a stranger. He made a lot of debt for my family with gambling and drinking. Every time in the morning when I passed all the shops, people tried to make me pay for my dad’s debts the night before. I tried my best to make my family better, and protect their honor, and keep my mom from shame. I loved my mom so much, even though she didn’t like me; I wanted her to be happy.

This time was the worst for my family. We had so much debt and didn’t have enough food to eat. I saw my friends who would prostitute themselves and make a lot of money. My dad told me to stop studying and go to Thailand to make real money; you are a lady what are going to do with a education anyway? But I didn’t want to go, I saw when they girls came back nothing had changed for them. They didn’t bring anything but short-term money, shame and judgment. I didn’t want that for my future. I wanted a better job one day. A real job.

My dad said I was selfish and thought of myself over others because I wouldn’t go to Thailand. If you are reading this I know you want to judge my family, but don’t judge them too harshly. When you are cold and hungry, nothing matters anymore. That is the worst feeling in the world. People do terrible things to survive, and you can’t judge until you have experienced it. Sometimes you stand strong for what you believe is right, but the hunger and the cold will make you weak.

But I still refused to go. Even though we were poor that gave me more motivation to work harder to show my Dad I could help without selling myself. I used to sell candy and food I cooked. I worked always. So he wouldn’t send me to Thailand. I think The Father protected me at that time, because I wasn’t forced to go. I didn’t know Him yet, but He was already protecting me.

When I was fifteen years old I was studying and I heard about a man named JC but I heard bad things about Him. They said if you were a believer the fathers of these families had to sleep with their daughters before giving them away to be married. My people were horrified. So I first thought they were very bad. Another story was that Mary was a prostitute and JC was the product of her selling herself. They warned us to stay away from these people.

I learned in school that we came from monkeys, but I wanted to know where did monkeys come from? I wondered where everything came from. There was one man who knew the story of the Carpenter truly, I was curious about this story. I heard about him and his family and I decided to go visit and see for myself.

I fell in love with the environment of people who believed. They all loved each other. They showed affection and care. They sang and smiled. They asked me questions about my life. I wanted that feeling all the time. It reminded me of when I was a little kid, when we had joy and would sing. My happiness that I had at seven came back to me when I was with these people, before everything became bad.

 A month later I accepted this Carpenter because He gave me all the love I had wanted as a child. He gave me everything I never got from my family. He fulfilled all things in my heart that was empty. I realized that this was real for myself. It was the real love I had been seeking. After that I just wanted to serve Him with everything.

I am somebody who does everything with my heart and soul. With full sincerity. I loved singing, because it came from the heart, so I loved to sing fully with the followers. My dad and grandparents hated these people. They hated them so much.

My grandparents and family started to notice I was never home. They tried to stop me everyday. They would give me so much work to do so I wouldn’t have time to go. But I was smart. I would earn money and pay somebody else do to my chores so I could go meet. I was too excited about this Man. My home made me so sad always. But when I followed the Carpenter I was filled with joy. He made me feel so good; everything in my life became beautiful with His eyes. I can’t fully explain the feeling, it was so great.

I would sleep at the teacher’s house every night and get up so early in the morning to hurry home. My grandparents said I was staying out each night to be a prostitute. They said I was the one person in the family that brought bad luck. But all this made me work harder and harder, triple the effort to prove I wasn’t bad luck. I never talked back. I kept going because it gave me joy for the first time in my life. I didn’t understand why they were so angry. I did everything for them. Weren’t they satisfied? This was the one thing I did for myself and I work so hard to make sure they live.

I used to talk back to my parents but after I followed JC I changed. I stopped fighting everyone and never talked back. I didn’t want the carpenter to look bad because I was doing bad. If I ever messed up they used to say “This is your carpenter? He is bad just like you.” So over time I became so silent, because I didn’t want them to think badly of my Dad above. The more they hit me, the more I would try to love them more. Most people in the village hated me for what I was doing. It was very difficult.

This is a strong memory for my life. I was going one weekend to go share with other people and my mom said to me, “We have work to do this weekend on the farm, you have to help us all weekend.” But I had a plan to leave and go all over the countryside. I asked my Father to please make it rain so I wouldn’t have to work on the farm and could go. The weather turned bad, and my family didn’t go to work at the farm, so they didn’t complain to me when I left. It was the first time I had asked the Carpenter for something and it was the first time He answered. I was so happy. He is so mighty, He even cares for me in the little things.

But my grandpa was very prideful, and couldn’t take all the things people were saying about his granddaughter. One day he was with my little brother and spit on me. My brother, watching my grandpa, did the same. I was silent as the saliva dripped down my body. I knew he didn’t mean it, he was young and innocent, But since that time it has been hard for me to forgive him for that. I can’t love him as much as my other siblings, that spit burned like fire. Whatever my grandpa did, it didn’t hurt me, but when my younger brother spit on me I cried. I am his sister, I take care of him, how could he do that to me? I kept thinking, “I take care of you and I love you! Why would you do that to me?”

My mom started to get so sick. My grandpa was becoming desperate. He thought maybe if my mom visited the believers, the Carpenter would heal her.  My grandpa had been listening when I would tell my mom that this Father could take away her suffering. We brought her to the gatherings and she started to change. The teachers lifted her up and she loved learning about this Man on a cross. Every Sunday she started to go and learn. She started to love Him too. At first she was so skinny and then she became healthier. My mom started to share and talk about the Father all the time. It started to annoy my grandpa.

After this my mom and me became closer. We would walk together on Sundays. We would read in the sun together. My mom can’t see well, so I remember her wearing these old glasses. She liked wearing them when she read. She lifted up all the time. I loved watching her grow. Some ways we still had a hard time, and the bitterness from the past was still there, but in other ways we started to heal. Every time we would read together my grandpa would spit in our direction.

My dad wanted to divorce my mom after she became a believer. I didn’t know what to do.  He wanted to kick us all out and marry somebody new. I was in high school. This time was so scary and stressful. My mom took me to the village leader to ask about divorce documents. But the official said my dad would have to be the one who has to leave if he divorces us.  So my dad changed his mind, he didn’t want to divorce my mom because he didn’t want to leave. He was a bum. But he acted like they were divorced. He was violent every night, and drunk. If we didn’t have enough food he would kick everything in the house. He was always bad, but he became worse.

The main teacher in my village started to notice my family. And saw how hard I worked and how poor my family was. He spoke on my behalf. A leader of my people heard about me. Him and his wife wanted to meet me for themselves. He first called me on the phone from Thailand. He asked me about my dreams. I told him I had a dream to study at a university in the city. He heard determination in my voice and wanted to help me.

I remember so clearly meeting the man who would sponsor me to go to school. I had talked to him on the phone but never met him. I was at my friend’s house, covered in dirt and holding bags of rice. Then they walked in the door and stared at me. I remember his face so clearly and one question he asked me, “How many times do you talk to our Father a day?” I thought for a long time before I answered, “Always.”  That was the beginning of him and his wife being my parents. He cared for me like I was his daughter. Everything I needed he would take care for me.

My family I was born into, they gave me life only. But this man and his wife, they taught me to live and gave me the real love. This man still says all the time to me, “ I remember you holding that rice bag, so dirty, it reminds me how far you have come.”

After that meeting my whole life changed. I moved to the city. I lived with people who believed and who loved me. I attended a special university and learned, I worked hard and many nights I didn’t sleep. I wasn’t like the other kids in the college who were used to nice schools. I became educated and earned a good job.

I feel so blessed. I was just a poor girl in the countryside and now I work at a fancy job, with a great education. I have people who love me, and can take care of my family. I have sent my younger siblings to a good school. I don’t know what my future holds but I want to give back to my people. I want my people to be able to be educated. Other girls in the countryside too. I want them to know that selling themselves in only a short-term answer. But education is lifetime guarantee. Investing in education never will fail you, you always get a profit.

Things with my family are still not perfect. I am twenty six and my dad passed away this year. Things between him and I were never resolved. But I can say that now I truly love him as he is. He caused us so much pain, but when he passed away I didn’t have time to tell him all the regret. In the end all that was important was that I loved him. I am still dealing with the pain of my past.

But I want to say this. We are human, we have a dream but the Carpenter is what makes all things possible. The word is always encouraging and true. Living in this world is so hard and terrible, but through Dad all things are good and loving. When people are very smart and educated but don’t have Him they are still not happy. It is the Father who fulfills that, He helps you live in this world wisely.

I share this story with you today because I want to say this to you across the world. Everything is possible with the cross; my life is testimony to that. And be patient, do what is right always. Our Father’s hand is not short and He is not blind. He sees you. Even in the jungle.