When Love Isn't Lovely

This photo was shot as I was getting ready for my wedding. With the help of friends we were trying to create a lovely bride. Me. I wanted to be beautiful. Little did I know it would begin to pour on me, all the makeup would be washed off, my curled hair would be ruined, and my white dress muddied. To me this illustrates a lot about my love story, with My King and my husband. But it applies to something bigger. 

Love; that thing the whole world is obsessed with, from Hollywood movies, romance novels, and music, we can’t get enough of this idea. It fills our stomach with butterflies and makes us want to wake up and live. It's how I was feeling while this photo was taken. Love is usually portrayed as beautiful, carefree and exciting. And it can be. But what about when it’s not those things? What about when the rain falls. What about when it’s not beautiful anymore.

The typical person looks for somebody to have fun with, attractive, makes life easier, likes the same things etc. Right? That’s what we seek in friendships too, a convenient fun friend who doesn’t argue with us but likes to do the same things we do.

I’ve had some amazing fun and romantic times with my Farmer, playing in the mud and rain, laughing around the fire, traveling to new places. But if I think on what moments have mattered most to me. The times I have loved him the most deeply, and passionately, would surprise most people. It’s realizing these moments that are molding and building a better understanding of love, the moments when love was very unlovely.

Since being married, My Farmer has walked me to the jungle and stood with me as puked or pooped my guts out and held me so I don’t pass out. (Yeah, gross) He has looked at me covered in sweat and dirt and still thinks I’m a babe. He has sat in endless office visits for hours for our marriage. I recently had a biopsy and he helped me put my clothes on, carry me out and hold my hand when I was scared. And this really wasn’t our first time going through these ugly experiences. They have been part of our relationship since the beginning, (Third world, cross-cultural, long distance) being married has made everything easier to handle and more fun.

My parents are divorced. Before they divorced I remember my mom being sick with cancer, ugly, gross, non-glamorous cancer. My father knew how to have fun and appreciate beauty, but he hated ugly things. He couldn’t stand taking care of my mom. It wasn’t fun, or easy. These memories created a deep wound and insecurity in me. My Heavenly Father has brought a lot of healing through My Farmer humble love.

I always expect when things get hard or unlovely that My Farmer will back out, get grossed out, be done with me. But he never does. He always surprises me how tenderly he loves on me in those embarrassing and hard moments. If I was to ask My Farmer what was a time he felt loved by me the most, he would reply when he had his accident, and I stayed up all night mending his wounds, or forgiven his wrongs.

These are the moments I’m talking about. The most passionate moments between My Farmer and I have been the ugliest or scariest. More special and meaningful than Honeymooning in Bali, or the rare occasions we get to go have dinner alone. (Even though those times are SO fun). The ugly moments are real life, and that’s when I have seen my husband’s character most, and man have I loved him for it.

We are learning even more about love taking care of a little boy together. Some of you don’t know we have taken in a 12 year old who has been extremely abused by his step mom. It’s hard and wonderful two months after marriage seeing each other parent, encourage and chastise, laugh and cry with this Wild Child. Some people say we are crazy for doing it. Your newlyweds, you should be free without a lot of responsibility, you can take care of children later. But for Wild One there wasn’t a later, he was being beaten nearly to death NOW. Too much is lost in the name of being young and free.

We don’t feel tied down by this child; in fact he has filled our house with even more laughter. We are dedicated to having fun. But we also believe in obedience and sacrifice. Wild One is being used to sanctify this in us.

A man died on a cross. It was ugly, brutal, bloody and hopeless. And the most love that has ever been shown in the world. This is the love the world is starving for yet fills this desire with the shallow love society packages for us. Leaving us hungry.

My mom used to describe this love as frosting and cake. Some people love you with a lot of frosting, it’s beautiful and sweet and but no substance and eventually kinda makes you feel sick. Cake has substance, but not as sweet or beautiful as frosting. My father could only give frosting to my mother. He could buy her beautiful dresses, take her to the finest restaurants, but he couldn't watch her hair fall out, or sit in the cancer center.

When I grew older I sought a man who would give me cake love. It doesn’t mean he doesn't give me frosting too, but the foundation is cake. I seek that love with my friendships, and now with the way My Farmer and I raise this little boy. 

For you young people who read this and are looking for that sexy guy or girl, to live a perfect Instagram life. Be wary. There is a reason so much divorce exists these days. It exists because selfishness and this illusion that love is a beautiful carefree way of living. Be wary when people always say, do what you want, your young be free, it’s your life, it’s about you. These sound so attractive, and right, like we can justify selfishness with these ideas. But they will lead you into emptiness.

But when we engage and experience the love that requires sacrifice, it becomes clear this is why we live in the first place. We were made to bear it, to labor in its beauty and it’s hardship. Our Father showed it to us, and now we are only satisfied with our life when we display it in His name. The unlovely love is what has shaken up this world and brought it to its knees. Unlovely love is what I have, it looks like dirty feet, sleepless nights, living with six people in one room, scary doctor visits, taking in the orphan and homeless, feeding others before yourself, giving grace when it isn’t deserved. 

When I was soaking wet and muddy on my wedding,  the picture of most brides nightmare, My Farmer looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. And I was. The world may think we are crazy and this raw love is ugly, but it's the most beauty my soul has ever known. (And I still get butterflies;)

(Photos credit: taken by Taylor May Carpenter and Shelby Rose Estes)