From Surfer Girl to Jungle Woman; how this place is changing me.

I’m the kind of person who only wants to write when I’m being truly inspired, or learning something. Here I feel like I’m learning a million little lessons everyday. And changing.  I've felt kind of stumped in my writing because there are so many little things that my eyes are being opened too. I’m learning how to be a wife and a mom to a boy who has been treated like a jungle animal his whole 12 years. But those are just circumstances in which I’m learning to be a more sacrificial human. So here are some of my musings and reflection on how this place, this crazy wonderful place is making me new. 

My current circumstances: 

I live in a single room wood house, with all of My Farmer’s family. We cook by fireside, we have no bathroom, and a water pump. I live in his mother’s house. I would say she is the paterfamilias. We are woken up at about 5:30 sometimes we get up and answer, sometimes we just ignore everyone. This time has been fun being married to my man, but also hard because I can’t really run my own home and in this house everything is done totally different. It's been a struggle because nobody really wants to take the time to teach me, but I'm expected to just do things so I’ve had to just figure it out myself. But I can proudly say that I can:

1.  Drive a stick shift truck in a third world country

2.   Steam sticky rice over a fire

3.     Build and start a fire

4.    Kill a chicken

5.    Wash 3 loads of laundry in buckets, and scrub ALL the dirt out

6. I can sit in the squatting position comfortable for 30 minutes

7.  I can chase the pigs that steal our chicken feed out from under the house

Things I'm currently pretty obsessed with, and work daily to get Lao people into them too. 

1.  Rap. I was always a Mumford and Avett kinda gal (still am) but guys Believers these days are making good rap, better than mainstream. Check out Sho Baracka, Propoganda, Dre Murray and John Givez. It is so good. I feel like these are artists bringing hip hop back to it's original intent which was to speak out on oppression, injustice and war on drugs. 

3.  Specialtycoffee, my manual brew choice is the Chimex or the V60, light roast, not espresso roast.

4.  Watching Disney and Harry Potter with kids here, and especially Wild One, watching their imaginations light up.

5.  The Office. My Farmer knows all the characters and can imitate some of them.

6.  Justice. Seriously encouraging people to stand up and speak out when they see it instead of remaining silent. Whether it’s bullies at school, or domestic violence in the home. Passivity in the face of injustice is a huge problem here.

7.  Cooking, send me recipes of things I can do over the fire with limited resources. I really enjoy making food when I have the chance and want to get better.

8. Sports- I was never confident or into soccer or volleyball but I’ve become a big fan and player now. I’ve learned sports are huge in building confidence, community and just having fun. I’ve become so much less self conscious about myself playing sports, because….I have to be strong for all the girls who are scared of playing.

9. Snuggles with my man. Ladies- I feel like there is this expectation taught that men want us more physically and women after marriage just have to do their duty and stuff. That is really bull. I think women should honestly enter marriage with no expectations and be you. And enjoy your man any way you want, have fun. That’s what time with your man is supposed to be.

My Farmer is an amazing man, I’m pretty stoked I get to call him mine. Marriage has been this awesome experience of being joined with another person with a life experience SO different from mine, being so treasured and beloved, but also feeling like I'm still my own person. I think I've watched some women only be defined by their husband or their children, but I really want to keep my own identity. Here when women get married their no longer addressed by their name but that they are the wife of so and so....yeah. Not going to fly with me. I've made sure everyone still uses my name.

 Recently I have watched him embrace having freedom to be himself around me. Few couples here really reveal themselves to each other out of embarrassment. That is not the case with us, but it definitely took My Farmer time. Seeing him revel in freedom is a beautiful thing, he doesn't feel bound by expectation but free to enjoy me and I him. We have some good laughs. He is patient, calm and always teaches me about his people. I look into his eyes sometimes and pray that our future children have his spirit. His deep intellect and understanding, his stubborn convictions and those deep brown eyes.

I still don’t fully understand these people I love and live with, they do things that still shock me and fascinate me, I don’t think I’ll ever understand them. But I will say this, if your going on a short-term trip anywhere do not assume you know anything about the people you’re visiting, their needs or the way they perceive life. There is a façade that comes up when white people come around. Especially when it's churches. I’ve been around long enough to see the façade lowered.  It’s kind of crazy actually.

Women oppression here is real. I was never the feminist type, but I’ve become more of one here. I’m not as patient or chill as I used to be because of it. I actually am really asking the Father to give me righteous anger and not the rage that I feel a lot of the time.

The tribe mixing was going really well for a while and now it’s not. I've been informally teaching english a few nights a week to integrate the different tribes.Tribal racism is also real. My Khmu students were very threatened by how well the Livine students were doing. So they stopped coming because they were too embarrassed if they didn’t do as well as the Livine. This has been a painful blow for me. And something My Farmer and I are intentionally trying to fix and lift up. I want to give up a lot of days, and My Farmer has not allowed me to do that. 

Coffee is amazing. I thought I loved coffee before. But I wish I had gone to school to study coffee. It is so incredibly intricate. And there is this amazing community of coffee nerds, who are doing amazing things all over the world.  Literally there is a like a secret sub-culture that is part of the Third Wave Coffee movement. I could talk and learn about (and taste it) all day. I’m working daily to expose these farmers to quality specialty coffee and this month we are going to start a project on processing small amounts of the farmers coffee and letting them taste their own beans for the first time. I'm stoked this is the direction we are really moving in. I majored in Education but truly...I love working in coffee and Farmers more than being in a school. But I'm still using skills in education to teach quality to farmers, so kind of blending the two. 

Another thing I feel like I could spend all my time talking and studying about is Poverty. It is SUCH a misunderstood issue. And I have such hope that we can overcome it if people can grasp how it infects. I used to believe handing things out on trips, and funding big organizations was the answer. Guys...I'm sorry it's not. Deep relationship is, because no matter how much you give people in poverty, their mind and spirit still feels poor, and they don't think they are a valued member of society. In fact sometimes the more junk of yours you give them, the more it puts them into a place of bottom feeder. The moments I've seen individuals reach out of an attitude and lifestyle of poverty, is when I needed them. I needed their friendship, their advice, their skills. They stop becoming poor and transform into a person. If I get to go on a trip to the States I really want to talk about this in schools, in churches, honestly anywhere. 

Being a mom to Wild Child is just that…Wild. This has been my biggest challenge. While living under another’s roof it’s felt difficult to really parent, or be in control of the situation, especially with every person telling me to discipline him more or complaining about him. Lao and Americans feel very different about rearing children. Our little boy is so wild and many times uncontrollable. He loves destroying things, he loses everything, and disappears for hours at a time getting into all sorts of trouble. And then we have those moments sitting by the fire where his curious mind asks really good questions, and gushes sweet innocence; I remember that he used to go home to be kicked, punched, burned and thrown out to sleep in the dirt…and then I want to smother him in kisses and hugs. One minute he is destroying all the expensive duct tape my mom sent me, the next he is bringing me beautiful wild flowers. Neglect is a terrible tragedy stealing many children here, but over my dead body will I ever let this little boy be neglected again. 

I'm realizing inner change is good. Sometimes it’s scary, and you feel like your losing bits of yourself, I’m not quite the carefree surfer girl anymore. But I think back on that time and I know the Father gave it to me to fill my cup. To teach me sisterhood, and really see truth, so that I could have the strength and joy to be here. To give people here what I had been given.  Surfer girl Saint Augustine was fun, but Jungle woman is good too, stronger, wiser and ready to fight for these people with every piece of me. In this fight I get to see more of my Father’s character. His heart is so close to the poor in spirit, the forgotten, the sick and the broken. Just read His book, that's where He always was when He walked this earth. So that is where you will find me, with a good cup of coffee in hand ;)