Love Until It Hurts

 I choose pictures of my Father in law for this post, because he is the most patient, hard working person I have ever met, and never thinks about himself. In a place where fathers push their daughters to be prostitutes and their sons to become alcoholics, he has protected his family from that, no matter how desperate. He is a light and an example to me, and a big piece of this post. This post is almost for me as much as anybody else. This month has been hard. The worst probably. Living in a one room house with ten people, in a communal culture where the needs never ever end is exhausting. But even harder during the holidays. 

I came from America, where lets be honest, we think about ourselves a lot. Our plans, or hobbies, our time. We have freedom for the most part and quite a bit of control over our life. I don't have control over anything. I don't have anything that is mine. 

Then Christmas, my birthday, new years comes and nobody celebrates me, nobody thinks about me. I spend my Christmas driving fifteen people up north for a day and half, than have to sit back and watch my oldest brother in-law pay for a child bride and nobody blinks an eye. I am made to feel guilty because I wouldn't contribute to pay for this young girl, as if she was cattle. I had to watch my other in law that was given away as a baby live in severe poverty, with no shoes and an adopted father who is abusive. And I am expected to do something about it. (Yes, My Farmer and I will be taking this 14 year old in next year). I had to stay in a place that is sacrificing to spirits, living in such paralyzing fear I felt suffocated by it. That isn’t what I imagined my Christmas to be. But it was. We were in the darkest of places, and I don’t think I could breathe deeply until we left. But I have never lifted up harder in my life, or felt my Father’s strong steady grip on me reassuring my heart that yes He is there with purpose, and He is King.

I think of our Father, born in stable, with a mad king murdering children in his wake. Not a very lovely warm fuzzy Christmas. But I see this pattern with Him. I find the Father most in those hard times, I see His footprint in the broken places and in suffering. But it is not easy. Y'all I haven't been very joyful or patient this month. I have wanted to pitch a fit and say "What about me?!". 

What I’m learning is, serving and working overseas isn’t a glamorous, easy, always successful like I think people believe when going into this kind of work. Like I thought it would be. In fact, if you are a believer you are kinda accepting that you will suffer for others for the rest of your life here. But few of us are willing to do that.

Especially my generation of super creative, adventure seeking people. We want to do something radical and cool with great impact only until it gets hard, and then move on to the next thing. You go to a church or work for some organization until it gets tough or you have a fight with somebody then you leave and go elsewhere. We are afraid to suffer. But literally we are told to pick up our cross. 

Obedience requires great sacrifice. And sacrifice will bring you a joy that nobody can take. Even though I have been greatly hurt this month, and felt stretched. So many things happened that will echo in eternity. Ripples of change and redemption are everywhere, and I could never leave. I can’t forsake these people. Just as the Father has never forsaken me. Already I'm seeing fruits from our trip up north, and great meaning in it. 

Wonderful things happen through blood sweat and tears. Always. Just look at the cross.

So I want to challenge all of you, as I am challenging myself this New Year. Especially believers. Lay your lives down for one another, even if people don’t lay their life down for you. Even if they hurt you, even when it is hard and messy. Endure. And be filled with hope. 

Today is 2017, a new year.  My Farmer and I stayed up till 9pm (didn’t make it to midnight) but we talked about our hopes and dreams for the new year. Hopes for our Mowgli, for our family, our future business, our community. The Kingdom. Today I’m broken hearted for the people here, I feel like every time I turn around there is another girl being sent into prostitution, people insulting one another, broken relationships, hunger, and lack of human value. 

But I am here. Somehow me, a girl that has been covered in love her whole life has been given to these people. My husband is a man of these people and filled with compassion and love, proving that it is within them, waiting to be awakened by the King. We will continue to suffer for these people, sow seeds and patiently wait  as a farmer waits for his harvest and the rain. In the words of Les Miserables To love another person is to see the face of God. I was having a bad day and crying on my husbands arm feeling like nobody actually loved me for me here. He held me close and reminded me, "But is that the goal? Is the goal for them to love you, or love our Father?" Amen. 

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Amidst all of this, truly I can say.....It is well with my soul. 

Happy New Year