Divorcing Culture

  

      So it’s been a year married to a man who has come from the most opposite environment possible. How can he and I, two very different people be married with a lot of love, without having our own room, being in the middle of nowhere in stressful situations constantly? We have truly had a magnificent year. And I have grown to adore him more than when we were first married. I’ll tell you our secret…we divorced our cultures so we could be married.

  That sounds weird right? Divorcing culture? We are all products of culture. The environment we grew up in, strengthening/weakening us, teaching us specific values. In many conversations my Farmer and I have, we talk about our pasts, our culture, our country. We quickly realized both cultures had so many great things, and so many terrible things. Neither were superior. Neither were ‘right’.  Sometimes he and I debate for fun and try to defend the way our people do things, pointing out the flaws in the culture and annoying the other. But it’s more to poke at each other then to be serious. 

  

We decided that we aren’t going to ever refer to doing this, because it’s ‘our culture’. We will do something because we feel it is right. I have never tried to push my Farmer to be American, and he has never wanted me to be Lao. We have given each other freedom to be ourselves and challenged one another to live more like the Father. 

   He gives me kisses and loves being with me, not because that’s the American thing to do (his people like to think that) but it’s because the Father loved passionately, and says He isn’t ashamed of us thus love one another. We live very communally not because that’s the Khmu thing to do (my people  like to think that) but because it’s how the kingdom is meant to be, living with and for each other. We can’t wait to invite people to live and rest in our house. To see who will be our guest for however long in our life. It’s kind of amazing being married to somebody so different. We can choose and observe what aspects of our life were good and bad. What aspects of culture align with the Father’s and what does not. We have a wider and deeper perspective of humanity and it’s people. We strangely can get the best of two opposite cultures. We love it.

  There is a higher culture we are supposed to live for now. And our cultures and countries can teach us a lot, but they are broken and have missed the mark of perfection. I want my marriage to be based on more than American or Lao values. It’s been beautiful because we have been successful at this. We divorced our backgrounds, and gave birth to something new. There aren’t many examples for him and I to follow, even amongst mixed couples, with exceptions to a few. We tend to see that the more modern western culture wins (which is sad). But we are following a different example, one that is perfect. We won’t follow it perfectly but we will try to daily give it to Him.

     So what has the first year of marriage been like, married to a guy who eats the skin off animals because it used to be all he had? A guy who just recently can feel comfortable walking into an air-conditioned modern place? It’s been wonderful. Even in our small space shared with a huge family. I honestly can say to you, there has been no greater joy. We would never choose different. And it doesn't have to be shocking. It's very simple. 

   Now many of you aren’t ever going to marry a jungle man/woman, or somebody from a different culture. But each person has their own personal culture, and marriage can be hard if those people aren’t willing to give it up. With such a rising sense of self in America, it’s hard to be yourself but sacrifice to another person in marriage. But I promise you, it’s worth it. And it doesn’t mean being different from who you are. It means realizing your ways are flawed, your spouses ways are flawed. So talk about it, and pick what is best about each, and follow this heavenly culture. Make that the heartbeat of your marriage. Our future children will never fully be Khmu and American, they will be this strange mixture of both, just like our marriage. But that strange mixture can become something new, and holy. Something that needs heaven as it’s home.

   So we are marching into year two. There have been many moments where I have criticized this culture, and been deeply disturbed by it. But so has my Farmer about American culture. And what we found is we were both justified in our feelings. What I have tried to train myself to do when speaking of this people, is with humility. It’s easy for many western people to degrade and tear apart a culture that isn’t their own, and feel America is the way to be always. To speak of their way as greatly superior. This is a great tragedy. And is not true. Our culture is not better, and this culture is not better. It’s neither. Neither are the way. The King says I am the Way, the Truth and the Light. 

   We have learned a lot, and continue to walk this balancing act of life between the branches, and the cultures of our past. We keep our eyes up, to the King for our direction, our next step. We have loved what He has had in store for us, and can’t wait to see what is next. So take that step up, don’t always follow what has been done before. Let’s not fall back on our mistakes and say “well this is just how I am”. Have a life, a marriage, a home that is divorced of that, and walking in newness. You will find it is full of holy love. 

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