Let Your Heart Keep Breaking

Wait, did I just write that? Coming from the country of the strong, the country where we overcome. Overcome heartbreak right?  Well I’m not really talking about your boyfriend/girlfriend kind of heartbreak. That heartbreak, you should probably move on from eventually. I’m talking about our heart breaking for this world.

Let me back up.

 Just last week I was sitting with some local Lao friends that lived up north in the city. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile. I try really hard to be vulnerable and honest with how I’m feeling with other Lao, even if they aren’t with me. I started sharing some of the heartbreaking stories that had happened, girls I knew who had been sold, pushed into prostitution, given away as brides, children neglected. These happen often, but some days I just need to be alone to grieve and talk to the father about them. I was sharing my struggle but also my hope.

A young man I was talking with laughed and said, “oh you’ll get over all that after you’ve been in my country a little longer.”

Get over it.

I looked at him right in the eyes and said, “Do you think our Father has ‘gotten over it’. I’m not here to get over it I’m here to do something about it. .”

His words hurt and angered me. But I began thinking about so many people in my life who react to horrible things with that very mindset. People in service jobs, police, nurse, social worker, teacher etc. Most I meet are so amazing with a huge heart. But some, maybe many, have hardened their hearts. To protect themselves from the pain they have let their heart go cold.

You’ve all met the teacher who has stopped trying with their students, the nurse who has seen too much death to have hope, the social worker that has seen so many damaged kids their faces and names run together with no meaning anymore. Their heart has stopped breaking, maybe they sleep more at night, and maybe they don’t. But they are definitely less impactful in their job.

Two summers ago when I worked as a counselor at KAA (an awesome camp for inner city kids) many people kind of laughed at me, because every week I would be greatly moved by people’s stories, or anytime the Father’s story is told. I remember just weeping for a young girl 17, had a daughter and twins babies who had passed away, and was pregnant again with the father in jail. She had nobody, she came with nothing. She ended up leaving, she couldn’t accept any of the love offered at camp.  I still grieve for that girl. Most of my co-workers thought I had never experienced people getting raped, or abused or poverty, they thought I was moved because it was new. Little did they know, that was not at all the case. You see, I had asked the Father long ago to NEVER LET MY HEART STOP BREAKING. Never let it stop being moved. Every time I counseled a new cabin of girls I always tried to treat them with all my care and love. Their pain ran fresh over me. Just because you hear pain over and over doesn’t make an individuals pain any less real. We are told to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice.

Think to the last time you had a police officer, a teacher, anyone care about you like…..like they really cared about you. With a sincere heart. How much of a difference does that make. How much impact can that have?

I know this may sound silly but even being a server. Honestly yall, I loved being a waitress. Everyday was a new opportunity to love on somebody, to keep calm and kind even when things were stressful, to be joyful in a place that can sometimes be full of despair. My Father used my time there, and filled my soul there. Funny being spiritually filled at a bar, but it’s true. I always tried to treat every table special, and serve them like I loved them. It’s a humbling and wonderful position to work as, a server. Because of this, I’m friends with many patrons, they have encouraged me when I needed it. I met so many amazing individuals especially my coworkers.

Being out in this country, with death, drugs, child prostitution, hunger, oppression, desperation everywhere all the time. I hope. I beg the father, no matter how painful it can be for me, to never let my heart stop breaking for them. If it does I won’t be able to love them anymore.

And let me be clear, letting your heart break for people…Is hard. My heart is heavy so much, and some days it gets the best of me and I feel like I can’t bear it. And then there is the Father, to bear it with me, for me.

Teachers love every student like they are your first student. With all the hope and aspiration you had that first day, you are changing lives.

Police officers protect the weak, the victim; don’t let their stories stop meaning anything.

Social workers, every child is important and needs you to notice and care about them…their whole life might depend on you.

Doctors/nurses don’t write off that one patient because you’re tired, or all your hope as run out.

People. Humans. Life, they all have meaning. They all have worth. Even when these people drive me crazy, even when I am tempted to see them as a group, statistic, a project, I stop. I look into their eyes and remember how my Father loved such as these.

Love Until It Hurts

 I choose pictures of my Father in law for this post, because he is the most patient, hard working person I have ever met, and never thinks about himself. In a place where fathers push their daughters to be prostitutes and their sons to become alcoholics, he has protected his family from that, no matter how desperate. He is a light and an example to me, and a big piece of this post. This post is almost for me as much as anybody else. This month has been hard. The worst probably. Living in a one room house with ten people, in a communal culture where the needs never ever end is exhausting. But even harder during the holidays. 

I came from America, where lets be honest, we think about ourselves a lot. Our plans, or hobbies, our time. We have freedom for the most part and quite a bit of control over our life. I don't have control over anything. I don't have anything that is mine. 

Then Christmas, my birthday, new years comes and nobody celebrates me, nobody thinks about me. I spend my Christmas driving fifteen people up north for a day and half, than have to sit back and watch my oldest brother in-law pay for a child bride and nobody blinks an eye. I am made to feel guilty because I wouldn't contribute to pay for this young girl, as if she was cattle. I had to watch my other in law that was given away as a baby live in severe poverty, with no shoes and an adopted father who is abusive. And I am expected to do something about it. (Yes, My Farmer and I will be taking this 14 year old in next year). I had to stay in a place that is sacrificing to spirits, living in such paralyzing fear I felt suffocated by it. That isn’t what I imagined my Christmas to be. But it was. We were in the darkest of places, and I don’t think I could breathe deeply until we left. But I have never lifted up harder in my life, or felt my Father’s strong steady grip on me reassuring my heart that yes He is there with purpose, and He is King.

I think of our Father, born in stable, with a mad king murdering children in his wake. Not a very lovely warm fuzzy Christmas. But I see this pattern with Him. I find the Father most in those hard times, I see His footprint in the broken places and in suffering. But it is not easy. Y'all I haven't been very joyful or patient this month. I have wanted to pitch a fit and say "What about me?!". 

What I’m learning is, serving and working overseas isn’t a glamorous, easy, always successful like I think people believe when going into this kind of work. Like I thought it would be. In fact, if you are a believer you are kinda accepting that you will suffer for others for the rest of your life here. But few of us are willing to do that.

Especially my generation of super creative, adventure seeking people. We want to do something radical and cool with great impact only until it gets hard, and then move on to the next thing. You go to a church or work for some organization until it gets tough or you have a fight with somebody then you leave and go elsewhere. We are afraid to suffer. But literally we are told to pick up our cross. 

Obedience requires great sacrifice. And sacrifice will bring you a joy that nobody can take. Even though I have been greatly hurt this month, and felt stretched. So many things happened that will echo in eternity. Ripples of change and redemption are everywhere, and I could never leave. I can’t forsake these people. Just as the Father has never forsaken me. Already I'm seeing fruits from our trip up north, and great meaning in it. 

Wonderful things happen through blood sweat and tears. Always. Just look at the cross.

So I want to challenge all of you, as I am challenging myself this New Year. Especially believers. Lay your lives down for one another, even if people don’t lay their life down for you. Even if they hurt you, even when it is hard and messy. Endure. And be filled with hope. 

Today is 2017, a new year.  My Farmer and I stayed up till 9pm (didn’t make it to midnight) but we talked about our hopes and dreams for the new year. Hopes for our Mowgli, for our family, our future business, our community. The Kingdom. Today I’m broken hearted for the people here, I feel like every time I turn around there is another girl being sent into prostitution, people insulting one another, broken relationships, hunger, and lack of human value. 

But I am here. Somehow me, a girl that has been covered in love her whole life has been given to these people. My husband is a man of these people and filled with compassion and love, proving that it is within them, waiting to be awakened by the King. We will continue to suffer for these people, sow seeds and patiently wait  as a farmer waits for his harvest and the rain. In the words of Les Miserables To love another person is to see the face of God. I was having a bad day and crying on my husbands arm feeling like nobody actually loved me for me here. He held me close and reminded me, "But is that the goal? Is the goal for them to love you, or love our Father?" Amen. 

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Amidst all of this, truly I can say.....It is well with my soul. 

Happy New Year

Sometimes Life is Like Eating an Elephant.

You know that slap in the face I mentioned poverty sometimes does to me? Yeah. I had one of those this week as I visited my future in-laws for a few days.

I came to our home village for a quick visit to get some things done, only to find so many girls I've known for years now, pregnant with men who had already abandoned them. (these are 15-19 year old girls). I found the number of kids I usually see in uniform walking to school dwindling. They are too busy doing hard labor at 14 years old to go to school. I found myself rushing my sweet Farmer's mother to the doctors for chronic pain all over her body, to discover her pain was simply because she had swung a hoe and a shovel for so long it had destroyed the nerves and muscles in her body. (A destiny my sweet kiddos who have recently stopped going to school are headed for.) Again these aren't people I have recently met, or distantly know, these are kids and people I've known for almost four years, lived and worked alongside. I love them.

Some weeks I feel utterly defeated by poverty. This week is one of those. My heart was thrown into despair by all these realities I cannot fix. A distant memory kept coming to my mind as I tried to grapple my two very different worlds, how they both exist and my role in them...My mom was sick with a rare and terminal cancer, (She lived! Don't sweat it, another story for another time) my PawPaw (her dad) used to tell her in that comforting southern drawl of his as she would sit and endure chemo therapy;

  "Sometimes things we face in this life is like eating an elephant, and you can only take one bite at a time."

Those words were so comforting as I talked to My Farmer about how to effectively help. I can only take one bite, one step at a time that The Father lays before me. Leaving the rest to Him. He is the great healer.

So...I did what I could do. Bought my mother in law medicine. Bought my future family some food (they had been eating chili's and rice only). I had some intimate talks with my kiddos about school, the future and what they wanted. I told those girls that they are more than somebody to sleep with, but have sharp minds and courageous hearts. I made them laugh. I cooked with them. Listened to their troubles. I told them I loved them. They told me they loved me too. And in the end, that is all I could do. And what I am here for...to be in relationship.

So this issue of poverty is a companion I'm learning to live with, and sometimes it's like an elephant. But with the power of my Dad above, the steady strong hands of my Farmer, some dirt, seeds and a whole lot of love...maybe we can eat it. One bite at a time.

Thanks for the wise words Paw Paw....I miss you everyday across the world ;)

It's Black and White

     Oh my heart, dear friends. I am so thankful that there will never be a time in life when we have learned everything there is to know about our Father. I’m so glad He is always doing a new thing.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been serving at KAA in Missouri. It’s a magical place in the mountains where we bring kids to a refuge…a safe place. A place to be a kid. A place to learn who their true Father is. And these aren’t just any kids…these are kids from all over the country. They come from many different backgrounds but many of them come from homes that are broken, and almost every single girl I’ve had in my cabin is lacking a father. Many come from foster care, many have been abused, abandoned (literally) by their parents, some are moms, some just want to grow, some of them have such hard homes it took every ounce of my trust in The King of Kings to let them leave me.

   About midway through the week is when all their walls come crashing down and we cry together. Not an attention-seeking cry but a release. They release their precious souls to me and my incredible Co-Counselor, and we are able to teach them about their real Daddy.

   Although I have been able to teach many girls, I have also been taught and convicted of many things. I have learned that I am never worthy of the work I do, but always blessed by it. I’ve learned that….there is NO excuse for any believer to ever lead a life of passivity. We should never have those of the Vine asking “what do I do with my life?” 

     You are growing to bear fruit. There are children just coming through my cabin who just need SOMEONE to reach into their life. They are begging for a mentor, a teacher, a physical representation of our King. We have no excuses to be pathless. When it has been laid out before us. There is work to be done.

  The next thing maybe touchy for some people. Racism is a real thing and a hot topic these days. I am grateful to have been raised in a home where that was never acceptable. But what we don't talk about so much anymore is that invisible line between us. White or black. I never realized how segregated we still are until I worked with a staff that is TRULY integrated. It is integrating black and white culture, enjoying and embracing both. And it’s absolutely beautiful. Why can’t it be like this everywhere? I challenge everyone to stop being around their own because it's comfortable. News flash; we have never been called to be comfortable. Just because you aren’t racist doesn’t mean you aren’t promoting segregation. There are too many comments like “Oh your black for a white girl, or your such a white black person.” NO. You are black and I am white and we are different and it’s beautiful and wonderful and we can work alongside each other. 

     I have been honored to be a Co- Counselor with Charlotte an amazing black woman who exudes the grace of the King. We couldn’t have grown up more differently, and it’s amazing how our love and unity has shown our girls what integration looks like. This place is not a black camp, or a white camp. It’s a Kingdom camp. It’s a slice of what is to come; that our Father is a Father who loves diversity and colors of all kinds. It’s not about black OR white, it’s black AND white.....and yellow, red, etc.

So lift me up as I continue to have girls come into my life for a season and have a chance to speak truth and love to them. Lift up this colorful staff as we stand unified for our King. Lift me up because my heart is in a million places. It is with My Farmer, it’s with my girls, it’s with this place, it’s home amongst the waves I haven’t surfed, it’s with my sisterhood, it’s with my family, it’s in My Jungle, but most importantly it’s with my Father. Challenging me to get off the fence of segregation and passivity, and burn on for the colorful kingdom.

Being Justice

Injustice. 
     violation of the rights of others; unjust or unfair action or treatment.

Oppression.

     the exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjustmanner.


We all feel it. There are things that happen in this world that make us feel sick. There is something broken about this earth and it makes us ache for something different. We all know deep down, this isn't how things are supposed to be. 

  Then we blame Him. Why does this happen? Aren't you going to act?

• Worldwide, there are nearly two million children in the commercial sex trade.
• Sex trafficking drives significant profits for perpetrators – a subset of the $32 billion market value of illicit human trafficking
• By 2020, 1.5 billion of the world’s urban poor will live in informal settlements and slums without any secure right to their property.
• Children represent an estimated 26% of all forced labor victims

(statistics taken from IJM.org) 

Friends, these statistics are not meant to just make you sad and horrified. I want you to remember the inverse of the word injustice. Injustice is to be met with JUSTICE. Why isn't The Great Lion doing anything about it?

He did. He is. 

He made you. 

     We of the Vine are made to BE JUSTICE. That doesn't mean simply talking about it or simply wearing a T-shirt. It requires action. This seems intangible to many but I promise it isn't.  But it just might not be comfortable. 

     Being justice means going to places we don't want to go. It might mean going to the strip clubs, the homeless, the red light districts, jails, juvenile facilities etc. Reaching out to the oppressed is not usually pretty. Being justice means doing more than sharing a faddish article. It might mean giving up your life. This doesn't necessarily mean leaving the country(Although it might). There are children I know in my town that are just waiting to be rescued. There are children and women being trafficked right here in our own cities. There are people being held in slavery by drugs, alcohol, and abuse. They are waiting to be rescued. 
     That is where we come in. But when you seek justice I can promise you three things. 

One: It cannot be done truly and fully outside of the one who IS JUSTICE. Doing justice outside of the Great Lion is liking helping the starving with no food. Justice and the Vine are one in the same. 

Two: You will be met with great opposition. I can't help but think about the recent movie that came out Selma. Martin Luther King Jr. is an amazing example of seeking justice. But look at the opposition he was met. Being justice is not easy, be ready for forces to be viciously against you. 

Three: Justice will be done. We look at the world and feel so discouraged. Yet if you open up your eyes to see what the Vine is doing you will realize that every injustice is met with something unexplainable. I have seen hope where there should be none. I have seen redemption where all was lost. I have seen light in the darkest of places. Justice has already won and is winning. 

So my friends, those of us on the Vine are being beckoned to partake in this. We are not here to take up space. We are not here to live comfortable lives. We are here to truly bring about the Kingdom. That does not include slaves, oppression, violence, abuse, racism, hate and poverty. 

There is much work to be done. Let us do what we were made for. Let's be the hands and feet of Justice.