Shattered mirrors

Most of the times it’s easy for me to feel joy. Most of the time love is bursting from my being.  Most of the time I never question the path I’m on. Most of the time I am brave and confident.

But sometimes…I’m not. I can’t fully explain how I have been feeling these past few weeks. But they have been dark and hard. The best way I can explain is this picture I’ve had in my head.

I’m being held under water by the one who turns everything to rot. He is holding a mirror to my face as he drowns me and I struggle I can't see the sky, I can only see the reflection of my biological dad staring at me in the mirror. It has been haunting me everyday these past few weeks. I keep hearing, "All your attempts will fail because your just like him."

I have asked how can I move to the jungle and leave my people? How can I leave the place where everyone understands me? How can I leave my family? I will be alone…

Tonight I went to a concert, but it was more like straight revival. Yet I didn’t feel a crazy adrenaline filled passion to take all my problems away like these events tend to make people do or feel. I was actually pretty quiet the whole time. Fighting with the Vine in my head. Seeing that picture feeling guilt, shame and hearing that soon I will move away and be completely and utterly alone. And then I will fail. 

But I will Not Be Shaken. 

Because then I felt the ground beneath me; it was solid and holy ground. There is no mirror only the heavens. I asked at this concert with hundreds of people around me, “How can I leave my country? My family? My people?” I heard the Great Lion not whisper in my ear but give a firm declaration,

You will have a new home. I will make those people your people. And I will be with you.

The Father reminded me how He smashed the mirror a long time ago. But I have kept rebuilding it to hold in front of my face. But now He is asking ME to break it. And be free from who haunts me. To look up at the sky and the glory that is in them. I am learning that this journey I am on is either a mountaintop with Aslan where everything in life is so clear and beautiful. Or It’s in the valley of Narnia where fear and uncertainty live. But I’m being revived and my roots are still clinging to the Vine. My mirror is broken no longer blocking my face to the beautiful sky. I cannot fail because He is already victorious.