Thursday, February 19, 2015

What nobody says about being engaged

It's a magical time, a man asks you to spend the rest of his life with him. It's romantic, your hopelessly in love and now planning a wedding. Everything is like a fairytale Pinterest post, right?

Well. Not exactly.

Now everyone knows my situation is a bit different. My Farmer is far far away, speaks another language, is part of a totally different culture and we can speak only a couple times a week over the phone. But, after talking with several married or recently engaged friends, I've learned many struggles are the same.

First- There is a weird, confusing transition that begins to happen. It hits you out of nowhere. My whole life I answer and make decisions based on my family or myself as my authority. Then all of a sudden everything changes. My family has always been my safety net. But now,  I need to begin cleaving to my future spouse. I no longer simply make decisions that affect me. They affect US. It's beautiful...but it's also very hard and brings a whirlwind of emotions like guilt. Like I'm doing something wrong. Because in the end, even if my family and friends think I should do/not do something, My Farmer and I make the decision.

It's weird.

Now this doesn't mean, I don't go to my family for advice or counsel. Of course. I will always do that.  They are pretty amazing people. But it's a time of -leaving- my family and beginning to -cleave- to my new family. My future spouse. It's learning boundaries and making My Farmer THE most important person in my life.

It's a tearing away of something old and a forming of something new. 

Tearing includes some pain.

Second- another thing nobody ever told me was this- you might have an attraction to somebody else.
What? No? Love has happened. It's going to be perfect from here on out! Right?

I am pretty helplessly in love with My Farmer. I've never looked at another dude, I never saw a reason and honestly was pretty cocky and confident that, that would never be an issue for me. And then I got engaged and left and we've been distant and BAM! It happened. It freaked me out.

But this is the beautiful thing about TRULY loving somebody..... you choose them every time. Sometimes you have to cut off friendships, and make hard decisions. But loving somebody is not having stars in your eyes forever. It is choosing them. Choosing to love them even when they don't understand your culture all the time. Choosing to love them even when you can barely talk. Choosing to love them when they hurt your feelings. Choosing to love them even when an attractive other option tempts you.

I had a moment where I was given this other option. It was a tantalizing offer in a time where getting ready to move and being so distant from My Farmer, had left me in a vulnerable, confused place. But the Lion roared a reminder to my purpose and what journey I am on. I would choose My Farmer's calloused dark hands, his deep eyes and his quiet ways every time. It's not been easy. But it's been good.

I have been told feeling attracted to somebody else is common. And could happen again even after your married. What can we do? We need to realize that marriage and love is so much more than Pinterest/Hollywood can show you. It's being really disciplined, making a daily choice to die to yourself, and being two pieces unified into one. This is a problem that must be met with steadfast resistance and action.

                "Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.” - CS Lewis

I think these kinds of descriptions of marriage and love need to be spoken about more. I'm so thankful for the friends I've had to guide me through this time. I'ms so thankful that all my doubt and fear has been replaced with the strength of the Lion. So that now I am even more sure about everything.

My life in the branches is about to become intertwined with another branch whose grown in a different climate than me.

But we are being formed into something new. 
Something beautiful. 
Something different. 





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