I recently read a blog by my friend Elizabeth (check her blog out, and have your thoughts provoked!) she talked
about a pamphlet she was given by a church during her first year of marriage.
It was a pamphlet talking about all the ways wives sin against their husbands.
As I read the title I’m thinking, “There has to be some catch, they didn’t
actually write a pamphlet stating all the ways a wife can sin against her
husband, and give it to a nervous newlywed? Did they?” They did. The list started with this statement “this list represents the common areas of
neglect amongst Christian wives. The wording is already in the second person
facilitating you confessing your sins to him later on.” Thanks for that forced confession, those are God’s favorites.
It followed with a long long list holding sins from “I’m too
moody” to “I resent being tied down by children” and don’t forget, “I’m a poor
housekeeper and do not take proper care in the appearance of our home”.
As I was reading this very exhaustive list I kept having
this image (I’m an image person) of My Farmer and our Father standing their
clapping their hands at me saying “Jump, don’t miss this hoop, jump Mookie
jump, you better pick up those feet or your gonna fall and I will be so
disappointed.” Shame is the only thing that seeped from this pamphlet. It was
disgusting.
But the wonderful news is…. realistically this isn’t how I
ever have felt from My Farmer or my Father.
Not once. The only person I have felt this from is myself at times.
There is a beautiful word that I think we don’t understand
all the time as humans. Let me set this up a bit. Some of you know the quote
from Gladiator (Great movie) Marcus Aurelius talking to Maximus about the future of his
empire;
“There was a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything
more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile.”
Now you could take this quote a couple ways, but the emperor
seems to be talking about this idea, this unique idea Rome is but if it goes
too far extreme in either direction it’s original intent will be lost.
It makes me think of this word I want to talk about, it is
one we seem to not be able to grasp fully, so let’s whisper it.
Freedom.
It is for freedom that He has set us free.
For any of you that are about to get married, or are newly
learning about this man who died for you. Remember this. It is for freedom and
joy that He did so. It is for freedom and joy that a man should marry you. Many of us know that verse but I don't think we know what that word really means sometimes.
I am about to get married. I'm about to join with another human and teach
a lot of people (Yikes!). There will be pressure; there will be people watching us
always holding that list checking to see if I can check all the boxes. To see if I can fit that mold of a perfect wife. But I’m
here to say,
Freedom.
That long list of my failures was buried and raised in love
a long time ago.
And the wonderful thing is....I love my Farmer so dearly and so freely I don’t need a list
to remind me how to be good to him. I’m going to ask that I be given a heart
that is tuned to sing grace and love that man with everything. Even in my
failure.
I not only am about to get married but marry into a
completely new culture with lots of different standards. But I’m not very afraid or daunted by this.
Why? Because my Farmer looks at me the way that same Man on the cross does, he
looks at me and says, “Be you. I love you. Don’t change a thing.” He doesn't want me to be the perfect wife, he wants me to be me. He has spoken
those words to me many times when I feel this call to try to perform and be a cookie cutter example, instead of a real person.
One day I was crying about “How will I ever be a
good wife if I can’t even do laundry here well, like everyone else.” (They do
their laundry with buckets, scrub brush, little soap and a board, I wasn't doing it as quickly or effectively.) He laughed at
me, mess with my hair and replied, “If I wanted a fantastic launderer, I could’ve married anyone
here. But I chose you. Who cares about that.” Now I’m free to try doing laundry
again but without fear of failure. Just learn.
I'm thankful for the freedom him and I have given each other. Maybe it's because we are very stubbornly ourselves, and maybe it's because we have learned a thing or two about grace
I want to quickly tangent and delve a little more about the word freedom. It doesn't mean the worlds freedom to hook up with other people, and lazily not invest in each
other. It’s not the freedom to do whatever WE alone want selfishly. It isn't freedom to never try to do laundry again. That isn’t truly freedom at all, that is being slaved to some other beast besides following a
list. Also that isn’t love.
We have the ability to love without a pressure of
performance. Gosh even writing that makes me feel like I can breath after reading
that perfect-wife-but-really-anxiety-guilt-filled-women-pamphlet.
So for every young lady who is dating, or maybe engaged, or
in her first or 50th year marriage…. (or ANY relationship really) Throw that list in your head
away. Love your husband freely (or your sister, friend, brother, parents, children.) He didn’t marry you to shame you daily in to
thinking you aren’t picking your feet high enough. He hopefully married you
because he adores you. And if some pew sitting rule slamming person tries to sell you the guilt game, pick up that Holy Book they are throwing at you and read it for
yourself. Because when I read that story I read about a lot of LOVE,
self-sacrifice, joy, hope, longing, passion, and grace. Things like this
pamphlet aren’t born out of grace, there are born out of man’s idea to control
and perfect themselves on their own.
Throw the list away. Don't be the perfect wife, be a broken redeemed unique you.
It doesn’t mean we won’t mess up, it doesn’t mean we won’t
need to try to be unselfish some days. It just means we are free to love them
with all of who we are. And journey on discovering their beautiful souls also.
And while we are journeying and being sanctified by this beautiful thing
called marriage, we are going to understand more of what that man on the cross
meant when He died for everyone.
Photo credit: Alex Hobbs
Reference: Elizabeth K Casey - http://elizabethkcasey.com/about-2/
Thank you Mookie for writing this! This was so redeeming for me to read and such a great reminder as I continue to shed my past and leave behind all the rules that have enslaved me and caused so much anxiety. When you wrote, "Gosh even writing that makes me feel like I can breath after reading that perfect-wife-but-really-anxiety-guilt-filled-women-pamphlet." that sums up exactly how I feel. I cannot even describe how anxious I have been due to living my life trying to be perfect. It almost killed me. Thankfully I have a husband who is like your farmer who reminds me daily he married me for me not for me to try and become some ideal wife. I used to have panic attacks and tell my husband that he was probably going to leave me because I wasn't at all like the wives described at church, you know meek, submissive, gentle; I was intense, loud, passionate, opinionated and independent. He would remind me that he loved that about me and would be highly disappointed if I changed and became the wife described at church bc he loves all those traits about me. His love has been so healing for me. Thank you so much for writing this! I love it!!
ReplyDeleteSuch a good word, Mook! I know I always say this, but you are wise beyond your years. While we were preparing for marriage (through pre-marital counseling and other ways), the Father revealed something amazing to me that has been a cornerstone for how I approach marriage. It's just what you're talking about, but with a visual that I find particularly helpful.
ReplyDeleteThink about communion and what it represents. J offers us a place at his table, to partake in his grace and his salvation, without ANY condition. If we come to the table, then he is there with his arms open wide--regardless of what we have done, what we are doing when we come to the table, or what we will do. That middle statement--what we are doing when we come to the table--has been important for me, because I often believed that I had to "clean myself up" before coming to J, kind of like the high priests had to do before entering the temple. But J removed that barrier when he died on the cross. We don't have to fix ourselves before we meet with J at that table; the very act of coming to the table is the beginning of our healing--that J will provide.
Then, the Father reminded me one day that communion is a picture of marriage. Every single day, probably during multiple moments of the day, you have to come to the table where your spouse is sitting. And they have the opportunity to love you like Jesus loves--to offer you their grace (the grace of J) without any guilt or shame. They get to say "I don't care what you did, what you're doing, or what you will do. I love you." In the Father's design of marriage, you get to live as one with another person who has promised to love, honor, and cherish you NO MATTER WHAT. Isn't that the most free way to live?!
So, I try to think of marriage as a constant taking of communion. And what an incredible gift that we get to experience--on a tiny, minute scale--loving like J loves us. That's one of my favorite things about marriage, that it's this gift given to us by the Father to glimpse how he loves us. We can't do it perfectly. No way. And we're not expected to, because WE have a place at J's table! But it's always helpful to me to remember what J does for me every time I come to his table--which is love, forgive, and encourage.
Anyway, just wanted to share with you! Your post encouraged me a lot so I thought I would return the favor. :) Love ya!
Hey Mookie. It's Trinity :) I miss you. I woke up feeling this way. I honestly struggle with this idea because it seems so good to be true. I think this is constantly why I struggle with the Lord. I love you so much. Please pray for my heart. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDelete